she comes and goes when she pleases

R.I.P. Aunt Endi

endi

Right there at the top of things I'll never understand is why people feel the need to broadcast their grief. Why do people say 'Why did this happen to me?' Why did this happen to YOU?! You're alive, be happy. All I can think is 'Why did this have to happen to HER?' It's almost as if they want people to sympathize with them as opposed to the person who passed. It's become such a cool thing to lose someone close to you. To get their name tatted on your skin. To wear t-shirts with their face plastered in the front. To tag up R.I.P. everywhere you can. It represents how much YOU'VE experienced, how tough YOU are. I can't understand this behavior. To me, a great experience would be to live an entire lifetime without losing one loved one. Why when someone close to us dies are we still thinking about our-fuckin-selves? Human nature? Eh... I guess.

Death is so scary. I look at my Aunt Endi's life. My grams adopted her when she was an infant, she spent so much of her life wondering and researching her heritage, she stressed herself out about money, she got cancer. All these problems seem like the biggest problems in the world when they're happening to you but seeing how people just go 'oh that's sad' when you die and then continue go about their daily rituals make me realize how insignificant my problems are. One day, I'll die, nobody will care about my struggle and how it affected me, they'll mourn a couple minutes and then life goes on. An entire lifetime of gained knowledge and all you get is a couple measely minutes of people mourning over you, your name on a white tee? Life is so unfair. The only way to live forever is to be a legend. So I'll have to be one. Live as a legend or die as a nobody. I don't want people to be sitting at my funeral...looking at their watches...wishing the time would pass by faster

fam

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Me

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"Let's face it, it's a sad situation when we have to resort to keyboards as a means of making relations, But I don't have the patience, I get straight to the point. So this is me at my most honest...no ego...no gym class status...just lexis"

Things in my life have been real stressful lately but I like the tension. Keeps me level headed. If everything was going good...then I'd be worried. Who really cares what I'm going through though. In the slums, people have way too many problems of their own to cultivate other people's problems. It makes me not feel so bad about the fact that nobody really cares about my problems because I know in order to survive their own...they can't. But it also makes me more unfeeling than I already am...it's to the point that I’m numb to emotions for other people. I have never been so consumed with loneliness in my life. The scary part is...I can't tell if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Because I've also never felt so strong and free in my life. It's like being emotional and caring equals being weak to me...while being callous equals strength? Idk. 

Yeah I got a public journal for all you nosey folks ;] You know you were waiting for it. Most likely wont find anything too personal but you'll get the gist of things. Someday soon I'll make a real update....but it won't be today. Check back.